Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in a_synx's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
12:56 pm	2nd day of Speech class This is sooo cool. Soooooo cool. Okay maybe not that cool. c.c() Right now I'm at a school computer, running Windows XP, but communicating via puTTY to my home computer running Gentoo Linux! Through ssh I am accessing centericq which is an IM client with a "livejournal" plugin. Using centericq, I'm posting this journal entry! And I switched the keyboard to Dvorak too! XD I'm such an iconoclast. As for news, yes I actually did something today. Twas day 2 of a class I have been taking at school. =^.^= First one I've ever taken since they canceled my financial aid back in 2002 (I got "left behind"). And hopefully after this summer I'll have another requirement done to transfer into a UC, and maybe I can take some computer classes and bear them long enough to get into the politicio of the computer network at this school, maybe even have some influence telling these people to give students their own damn account instead of just resetting the hard drive every time they log out. Not even CS students get a shell account I hear! But hopefully will be able to change, while at the same time building up a good posure in CS. My hope is that people will hire me to program, instead of to tear my fingers up unwrapping plastic wrap from bottles to go on the assembly line. >. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: It goes like, "Now I lay me down to sleep blah blah you will (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 20th, 2005
11:16 pm	centericq, with lj support! Apparantly centericq can write to blogs... o.O That doesn't sound very productive to careful and literate livejournal compositions. Oh! No my bad, it has a more elaborate posting semantic than I had thought. Instead of just typing enter, I have to type Ctrl-X, and then set options like my mood and such. Yay! ^_^ Don't think it can edit journals though. -.- Current Mood: tired Current Music: One of them remix thingies... (Comment on this)
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
2:09 am	Oh I might add... The linoleum is beautiful, and we've really turned that room around. She's staying an "outdoor" cat, and that suits both parties just fine. I should get a photo of the room; it's really nice. Maybe tomorrow. Current Mood: impressed Current Music: Super Mario Bros - Dancehall Ragga (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
11:58 pm	Ideas Swim Though Me And then the utter lost, dazed, inexplicable serenity at being a moogle... no, not just a moogle, but what he is inside. And the sudden connection with all things, the outlet of expression at last realized. But how to depict such a scene in a way that doesn't sound preachy, or sappy? Not too much of a problem, but how to get there, how to lead into it less awkwardly? The audience must feel the awe, as the boundary between game and reality becomes thin, but the characters must stay true to the story. Normal people in extraordinary situations. It's probably fine as is, I really should get onto the part afterwards. How to balance the old school and new school authority though? Why is my imagination plagued with boring and stereotyped men in black? How do I escape that prison? Meh, prison is a good way to describe life. We were doomed the moment we were born. Granted each individual action is not predestined, but the end result is always the same... exceptions become vanishingly rare. So I want to give my MiBs a little more heart; but how then would I pull off that torture-overstim scene they're supposed to enact. I can see it, the dazed, the moans, the vague attempts to wake up against the onslaught, all to no avail. The frustration as nothing expected happens, nothing at all more than some lost looking kid who asked the wrong questions. And then the restraints shaking, the bolts loosing from the floor so slowly as to be even unnoticeable, and then... the escape. The transformation. And then... then... he's got to find his friend, who's a... moogle... And that's how I don't write stories. It's all there, but to actually put it down I fall into confusion and despair. Blah, I should just write the chapter, but how to avoid then losing track and forgetting to write for months? How not to get lost again? I can see the path, but how can I stop losing it so goddam easily? Meh... thank goodness for St. John's Wort. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Some remix off of ormgas (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
8:46 pm	I finished my icon I finished my livejournal icon today! Yes, I did eventually intend for it to be animated. Yes, the scratchy mud all over the ferret in my earlier version was intended to be fur. If you find yourself hypnotized by the rolling earth ball, please let me know, and I will tell you my address, to which you can send your material possessions, as you divest of mortal desires and frailties on the path to enlightenment. The rolling earth ball compels you... you want to give me your money... Oh, and that's me as a ferret on the left, and me as a synx on the right. I do seem to vacillate between the two, and my Lj username simply would not do without a synx in the icon somewhere. Some people conquer the world, others protect it, I use it to play rolley with myself. ^.^ Current Mood: rolley Current Music: Some tune by that Mozart dude (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
10:18 pm	Now that WOULD be frustrating! Wouldn't it be terrible if after suffering from a terminal disease... You found yourself floating in a void, until a kind and comforting presence approaches... "You made it! You have passed the threshold, and broken your mortal bonds. You may be wondering, yes there is something beyond death. You have died, and now you are here. Here, a place, a state, a realm where what you can achieve Is limited only by your imagination." And a world forms before your eyes, a shining network of verses, and you You have your tail, your ears, your heart, your fur, scales, Or whatever is right for you. And unlike a daydream, it stays. You stop thinking about it, and it stays. Reality has at last come into sync; reality has at last... become... You... And then you wake up. >.< Shee, that would just kill me inside! To wake up from a dream like that, and realize that no, it was fake after all, and I still have to face dying shortly, in the light of overwhelming evidence that death really is the end, that even our souls are not lines, but segments. Not spectrums, but sets. And the pain would be back, and the slow, sinking feeling that nothing can be done, the inner horror as your body knows things are happening inside that it cannot ever recover from. And I'd sit there, with my terminal disease, and beg my Author, my horrible, cruel Author, or anyone who's listening. I'd even settle for the hospital nurse, though ey probably couldn't help. I would beg for it all to be ended, to stop having to suffer the terror that grips me when I realize utter annihilation is not only inevitable, but imminent. And the awful thing is... I don't want to end it all. I want to get on the other side. To escape the ties and limits that keep me from being who I am, from changing shape, using magic, writing stories, what have you. So in that situation I'd not only be suffering a sick soul anticipating a death it cannot accept, a suffering body falling apart from a terminal disease, I would be unable to wish to stop such horrible suffering because I would rather suffer than cease. And to top it all off, I thought I had made it! I thought I had discovered existence beyond cessation of life. It was dangled before my nose and then snatched away. And I can't even barely hope that it occurs because 1) damaging the brain damages the mind, no chance of 'me' being outside of mortality. 2) Even if there was some sort of existence beyond death, nothing says it would be happy, or even pleasant. 3) If there was existence beyond death, someone in a thousand years would be able to demonstrate a repeatable experiment that confirmed its existence. I really wish I could turn these unnamed themes of mine into real music. I need some way to represent repeating, not identical but similar, patterns though. Patterns of music specifically. I hear that Common Music is a way to do that, but I am terrible at lisp, don't understand the whole defining hardware registers/channels/blah thing, want something with a simple poetic format, and plus it's probably just yet another excuse of mine not to produce anything of actual value and self benefit. If I were competent I would just use ABC or something, and not sweat over the details. I don't know of any other "programming music" languages out there besides Common Lisp Music. I've been trying to develop my own, but I got stuck, as I usually do, for a few years now. I work on it here and there... always come back to the drawing board though. Current Mood: lost Current Music: Yet another unnamed theme of mine (Comment on this)
Monday, April 4th, 2005
8:33 pm	Gods... Staph I just learned a friend of mine died recently. A nasty infection of Staph bacteria, and her heart just like, stopped. *sighs* Well at least she isn't sick anymore. She was the only person who talked with me really on ( orancaff ) mailing list. A very funny and loving person, though a bit judgemental and inflammatory. So she's dead now, and I will never hear from her again. What a rotten world we live in... Current Mood: resigned Current Music: Ending theme to Kingdom Hearts, in Japanese o.O (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
7:51 pm	Colors = personas Arc bugged me about it so I'm updating. Um... oh I started taking St. John's Wort. It has kind of hit me like a baseball bat. I seem to be growing more accustomed to it as the days go on, but it's quite an odd sensation. Not the sun sensitivity, at least not any more'n normal. It's stopped the screaming welling up confusing confabulating anxiety though. Like, things that would set me off into utter panic, I just kinda... stop. It's like... the edge is dulled. I don't feel the bubbly excitement that so derails me when I try and do things. On the downside, I have also been feeling more lethargic, and obsessive. I don't think that's permanent though, just my normal coping mechanisms suddenly having nothing resisting them. But it's true I've heard St. John's Wort is a sedative so who knows. On the bright side I've finally been sleeping good, and I'm even getting tired now. 8pm and all. Hm... maybe too early. Anyway, so I've been stuck on the computer more, or just staring dreamily into space. Same thing, really. And so I worry that this unusually strong herb might not solve the problem of getting me up and achieving, even though it has given me a breath of relief. It's so strange, feeling that ghost of fear rising within, only to die off without igniting into an avoidance reaction. I would have skipped away from the journal just now, had it not been for that oddness. At any rate, so I'm still here. As calmer as I've felt though, I still don't feel much happier or more hopeful. That's a good thing I suppose--the less invasive and the more specific a drug is in my opinion, the better. But still... SJW has not robbed me of my desire to rant most deliciously and morbidly. I told Arc (friend of mine) just now that I wish I was slightly useful at something. He ignored that though, as most people do, so I'm gonna bitch about it here for a paragraph or two. First off, I don't have a degree. I'm not a hard worker (as comparing myself to others *gasp*) and I have trouble making decisions or doing leadership things. I have very strong opinions, both philosophical and political. I have an undying love of writing, and a dream of one day creating some of the stories in my head. I like comics, though have gotten too anxious about drawing to practice much myself. Maybe SJW will fix! I like programming, though have no real programs I can claim to have completed. I like philosophy, music, stories, etc. But none of this stuff is of much use to either myself or anybody else. I have to be able to accomplish something. To make something that people look at and respect, and pay money for. I have to be able to contribute my own share of time, effort and rent to whoever I am living with. It's my obligation, my desire, and and.... And I wish I didn't have to do it at all. I'm just no good at things that people are supposed to be good at. They say you shouldn't judge yourself on the standards of others, but the standards of others are what determines if I get a wage or not! Or even count as a worthy citizen. I dunno. If I knew just one thing, one marketable thing that I'm damn good at, I think I could start looking for jobs exclusively in that area. And then I could use those jobs to help pay for school, and to move somewhere nice, and everything would be nice. Current Mood: circles and spheres Current Music: Boom Boom Dollar (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
12:53 am	The time slips aside... I keep staying up later and later. I do not know why. Unless it is absolutely imperative to get up early I have found myself pulling nights like these over and over again. When it is absolutely imperative, I end up half killing myself burning the candle at both ends, and when I finally adjust to waking up mornings, I start to slip again. And now I'm on the brink, whereupon I will find it compromisingly hard not to stay up later and later. If my owner didn't get so mad at my staying up late, I think without that motivation I might stay up all the way around the clock, and end up sleeping days, waking nights. The busses and do not run on a nocturnal schedule, so I would be effectively trapped: limited to the distance my bicycle can go (about 5 miles before I have to turn back.) I know this, I am aware of this, I understand the value of getting up early. I even like mornings! And yet I stay up late, and my mind runs around in circles, infinite loops, degrading spirals... so I would talk about it more, but I can't read the screen anymore because I'm so tired things keep going out of focus. Why do I do this? Current Mood: at a loss Current Music: Unnamed theme (mine) (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
9:49 pm	Stuck in MUD Of all things I have to like programming games, yeeks. I have toootally splattered my mind all over the place trying to put together a simple text based game. Top down programming is my nemisis I swear. x.x I haven't even gotten down to the level of 'game' yet. I'm still trying to define 'is' as Bill Clinton would say. -.- And of course Segmentation Faults (my program is supposed to output dummy text, how could I expect such a difficult thing to work!) mean I have to emerge gdb, the only tool in existence for tracking programs closely enough to find out where in the code a segfault is being produced. So... yeah wasting my time mostly. I had a neat idea to use as a MUD though, if I could only get past this busywork of setting up the stupid mean not nice application framework. Wish things would just work, it's the obvious things like how to say 'is' that get me, not the overall concepts. In other news, the second female cat in our household has finished the first one's life goal of ruining the carpet, by peeing and pooping even in plain sight of us. So now we have to tear up the carpet, and put in some cheap linoleum. Sigh... I wish I knew how it is that rewarding a kitten for using the litter box, and punishing them with hisses and stern words when they don't... it should work, really it should. Can't compete with Miss Senile though, making the carpet smell like poop by ...pooping on it. Our new miss is just following her nose to the place to poop, and then going all 'teen rebellion' on us when we try to encourage her to be nice. I don't know what it is... the boys are fine, but this is the second female I seem to have totally ruined for litterbox training. Every bit of advice, even the one about holding her in the litter box for ~10s every hour until she goes, nothing works. She could be bursting with poop and pee, but as soon as someone dares to gently place her in the litter stuff and coo over her with adoring pets and cuddles, then settling back politely to see if she won't just--bam! She's out of the box and running somewhere else to poop. Grab her and put her back... nothing... she goes completely still... terrified out of her mind... associating the litterbox with this terrifying experience of *gasp* being made to sit still... The only thing I am teaching her is how to escape better the next time she poops on the carpet. So yeah now I have to figure out how to tear up the carpet whose stains of baking soda and rug cleaner, crusted runny feces and deep amber urine stains where we missed them from long before. I mean, call me squeamish but when the heavy ammonia smell makes me dizzy, I start to wonder about the prospect of Vietnamese cuisine. I wish cats didn't have to have such an attitude like they'll love you to pieces, but they get so fixed in their ways. I almost wouldn't mind if the pooping and peeing were an accident, like the copious amounts of puke the boys toss here and there, but far from accidental, these cats demand to use that one particular area of carpet, and will cheat, bluff and obsess until they get their way. And of course once they use the carpet so much the stench even drives them away, they will slowly spread out finding new clean places, discarded clothing, papers, furniture, pillows, blankets, and more things to fill with the horribly strong and I daresay corrosive cat urine. We're talking a lot of urine here. Nothing like mouse drops, this is a quarter cup per session from a 4 lb kitten, twice a day at least. The old female we used to put out at night, because we were trying to save our carpet in vain, but she would hold it all night, wailing under our window (we never let her in, so I don't know what she thought she was going to accomplish) and at the first opportunity empty her bladder on the rug. Sometimes she would even do it while we were standing there, until we wisened up that she was completely determined enough to ignore our presence completely. I don't like it when the boys spray, but that's just a few relatively scentless drops. Is it just that girl cats mark their territory by flooding the floor of their living space with urine and feces? I mean jeez, even Giant South American River otters keep the scat and watersports limited to the front porch. Weird stuff to say the least... Current Mood: despairing Current Music: Sibelius - Symphony No. 4? (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
9:55 pm	Craving Roleplaying Sigh... I want to do some roleplaying right now. Or at least some sort of communal game. I just want to help someone go places we couldn't go alone. I suppose I'm also in a MUD kind of mood. Sometimes I get a strange hankering for those fascinating puzzle games, whose very system of survival and reward awakens the programmer in me. The algorithms about defeating mobs are... beautiful, if at times oversimplistic. I would like to join a MUD where I can be a cute little furry thing and work the system. I don't compete or gamble, that is to say, I'm really lousy at competing and gambling holds no attraction. That puts me in an ideal position to heal, bolster, craft, or otherwise support some nice burly warrior type who knows what to do with the aid eir given. That's my favorite way to do things: I get a free ride, they get assistance and support as if they had the resources of two people as one. Mutualist relationships and all. I also want to roleplay though... act out a story, be something. I hardly ever get the chance to MUD or roleplay because I just keep dropping the ball, and freeze like a deer in headlights as soon as I start getting somewhere. I'll keep trying now, but it's been 3 days already of almost solid trying, and I haven't even so much as managed to post on a RPG message board. I wish I could write stories; why must that, of all things, be denied me... oh well. At least I posted here. Anyone looking for a professional cute&fuzzy to come help with your quest? Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Noon chime for Campagnille (mine) (Comment on this)
Friday, February 18th, 2005
11:02 am	Socks... I am updating today too, for the heck of it. Maybe I'll finally manage a journaling habit, but my normal pattern is to be steady, and then taper off and fragment until the habit may as well have never been. Gotta keep reinforcing it is all. Some people talk about lj addictions, but I would settle for being addicted if it meant I could stay committed to something every day. On an unrelated note, I'm writing this journal while having Tinysocks with someone. Which is kind of odd that I have time to write a journal entry between their replies. Tinysocks is definitely not as heated and passionate as real socks, or at least I have heard. Still, enjoyable enough. I get the feeling neither of us are very impressed, but both are trying to accomodate the other. Woo, groupthink is so socksy! Current Mood: amused Current Music: Unnamed theme (mine) (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
9:10 pm	Livejournal picture (woo, meta-blogging!) Today I made a livejournal icon. As it consumed most of my day in obsessive tweaking as my tunnel vision brain scope got narrower and narrower... I figured it was a good idea to report so on my livejournal. Serves you right, stupid journal take alla my time will you! *bounces around fiercely* Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: Glen's theme (mine) (Comment on this)
Monday, August 16th, 2004
9:51 pm	Stories What can I say, I live for stories. Ever since I could think I have found the story to be the greatest thought to think. Unfortunately, for years. Oh gods the time stretches longer and longer, agonizing and numbing, and so for the last 4 years my ability to write stories has been dragged screaming and kicking, unwillingly to a solid halt. I can write journals, I can write essays, I can debate on forums... but stories... my mind just goes all to pieces when I try to hold a story together. It's like trying to build a boulder from shattered rocks, like trying to return the feathers in your pillow to a goose, like staring through a bakery window at the sumptuous goods inside while outside in the cold your frail body starves a little more. I don't know why I can't write stories. I'm not of a lack of ideas. I'm not too busy. It might even be the best thing I could do for myself, and really it's a lingering self hatred I think. Any time I do anything that benefits myself, it gets harder and harder, the anxiety builds and this ugly feeling... "Why are you doing that? Why do you even bother? You can't care for yourself. What is the point of trying, when you're going to die?" that sort of feeling builds as well. And even at my best I'll finish a dizzying section or chapter, then some months later I'll realize I have been drifting out of consciousness for all that time. I do write stories sometimes, but it remains fragmented. I cannot tie the pieces together, receive any sense of completion. So that's my problem, not my biggest problem but I think a symptom of whatever's wrong with my head. I desperately want someone to write the stories for some of these ideas in my head, and I myself don't seem to be a qualified candidate for that. Perhaps I'm a muse, not a writer. A muse that brings inspiration, delight, and new ideas to the real creators. Being a muse is rather thankless though, since not even I'm stupid enough to ignore the fact that it would be unfair for me to have the ideas and another to do all the gruntwork. Perhaps some mutual motivation wouldn't be a bad idea... but maybe that will be the topic of the next entry... (2 Comments |Comment on this)